My Transsexual Mormon Experience: Easter Week - Part 2 of 4

(Editor's note: This is part 2 in a 4-part series on the Holy Week experiences of our transsexual sister Leahnorah Laurelei. 
You can find part 1 here.  Leah also blogs at Go-At-Throttle-Up-With-Leah-Laurelei.)

Life Event Report from Sunday, March 24, 2013

End of Relationship

It happened today, for the first time! The big "D". That's right, DIVORCE.We are not officially divorced, but we were brought to talking openly about it, and at Church of all places. Before today, neither of us has ever mentioned divorce. I knew something significant was going down, when my Bishop smiled and asked me "where the Mrs. was". Then he and a lawyer member walked into her classroom together. This was after Church. A minute later, the Bishop left, but the lawyer remained. I asked my friend, the Executive Secretary about it, and he said, "Oh he gives financial counseling, that's probably what it is, but I knew better.

She came out 10 minutes later, red faced, having been crying, and said, "you need to go speak with Rob about our 'DIVORCE' ". That was exactly what I was expecting, but it hit my like a ton of bricks. I went in with tears streaming down my face. I asked "Rob" if she gave the reason why she wanted a divorce. He said no. So I felt I needed to tell him the reason, and I told him, that it was something I've known all my life, since I was 4 years old. I told him that I am transgender, and that, 'that' was the reason, and that she rejected me upon my coming out to her on New Years Eve. He was very understanding, and said we both needed a fresh start.

He said there were three options, one where I would have equal access to her Government Pension and also get alimony, one in which I contest everything, and one in which we just walk away, quick and fast. I told him I wanted quick and fast and that in no way would I ask for any of her pension of ask alimony from her. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a jerk. March 24 in Akron, Ohio (2 photos)

So we've asked the Church to get us a lawyer to help us with many things in the past. For 18 years I've asked for help clearing up a misunderstanding about a rental Van, that has haunted me all this time over background checks for jobs and things. They failed to follow through every time.

Tomorrow, Rob, our lawyer at Church, is going to file for divorce for my wife and I, legally ending 24 1/2 years of marriage. He said they usually assign a court date within 30-90 days. I told him I would be out of state, but he said it wont be necessary for me to be present. So this is it! The only other dealing I have to do is sign the divorce papers, when they are sent to me, probably in Oregon. On the half hour my wife and I talked all the way back....the first time we did that in 15 years! She's got to have some hurt feelings and feelings of loss, because I sure do. But I also hope she's feeling the sense of freedom, and of a new hope, a new chance at happiness, and love, and of LIFE! I *do* love my wife, but what we have shared the last 18 years, of sequestration in a basement, forced celibacy, alienation, and ostracization....surely none of that could ever be recognized as "being "IN" love.

So yes....today I declare to the world, that the relationship I have with my wife has ended. When I sign the court divorce papers in a month or so, I will announce it as Final and Legal. But I am a free woman, and so is she. We are parting amicably, and as friends. I hope one day we can have a close friendship. I certainly want the best for her, and hope she finds a husband that can give her her dreams and I life I never did give her, and never could, had I tried yet another 25 years.

I don't feel so bad, in fact I'm feeling strangely happy, hopeful and Pollyannish. I felt of the Spirit all day, and was comforted. The Comforter is round about me today, and for the first time in many many years, I see the possibility of obtaining some happiness in life. Life is good, and it's going to get even better. I'm Free.

My Transsexual Mormon Experience: Easter Week - Part 1 of 4

The Spiritual Holy Week of a Transsexual Mormon Woman: Closer To Thee, Closer to Me

Part 1 of 4

Leah also blog at Go-At-Throttle-Up-With-Leah-Laurelei

 

 

 

I have had a most remarkable week in my near 50 year life. Today is Easter, the holiest day of my faith. I am in the middle of a dedicated Fast for my dear, dear friend, Julia. I have arranged for there always to be someone, somewhere in the world Fasting for Julia, and sometimes there are more than one, for a continuous 24 hour cycle. Today is the 23rd consecutive day of the fast (over 550 hours and counting) and it will continue until Julia gets her surgery and is back home recovering. This is my 4th official day, and 7th overall. I believe this period of Fasting has brought me closer to Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ than I have ever been. My emotions and my heart have never been so raw, so true, and so tender.

 

As a Latter Day Saint, I would think this would be old hat, but it is not. Oh sure, I fasted every Fast Sunday, but the prayers I prayed were not dedicated and as focused as they are now. It is so much clearer than any time in the past. It is like night and day....I finally realize what Fasting is for, and I have a new found Testimony of the Power of the Fast.

 

My realization of this was when I was fasting my initial time in this dedication, which was day 2, March 10, 2013. I felt a powerful spirituality all day, and an extraordinary vigor. (Not the usual things on a Fast Sunday fast when we forgo 2 meals, and come home from Church and expect to break the fast in a few hours, and speaking honestly, almost break it almost immediately.) This has been a weakness in my life, and I recognize the lost blessings because of it.

 

I want to dwell more on the Heavenly Feelings of utter closeness in communion with my Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ. I speak of both my Heavenly Parents, because I honestly can not mention one without the other after my recent experiences. They are inseparable before my eyes, because I have established, via personal revelation, a visual of the two of Them, and a soulful communion that transcends any connection I have ever had with anything or anyone. My Heavenly Parents have become as real to me as my own parents were, when they were still living.

 

Both of my parents and one of my sisters are gone from this earth, having died at 52 and 63, my Mom (19 yrs ago) and my Dad (11 yrs ago), as well as my sister who died at 14, taking her own life, (by bullicide) 21 yrs ago. This was all going down while I was in the middle of severe dysphoria over my gender identity. I was a woman, I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I knew that God knew I knew it, and that I knew he knew it. I was broken, and easily crushed and diminished at every little thing. I was not succeeding capitalistically, and found the competition for mammon acquisition antithetical to everything Godly.  How could I compete as a fake human being? I was pretending to be someone and something that I knew was a complete and utter lie. But I was newly married, I had a wife I love, and 3 of the most beautiful little daughters imaginable. I reminded myself that I had made covenants and I did not think I could do anything to change my circumstances. I thought I could pull off a beautiful lie.

 

In the end, it just wasn't possible to pull off that lie, for reasons I won’t go into here, because in the end they are not important to understanding. Just as my lifetime of fasting has been broken, and not been everything a Fast should be, so went my life for many years. I have learned this more deeply, as the last three weeks of Fasting have been extremely humbling, and eye opening. I am feeling things I have never felt before. I feel my two Heavenly Parents reaching out to me, Their arms are holding me, and telling me things are going to be alright. I feel Their touch, Their warm hearts and smiles for me, Their Love, Empathy, and Compassion for me....which is all unconditional....and is all for the person I am, the Woman that I am.

 

They love me as a woman, and They are affirming to me that I am a valid and true human being who was actually as I am created to be. This confirmation was affirmed to me in direct personal revelation, in the very middle of breaking my first day of fasting, on my phone call with Julia, in my prayer. I broke down sobbing because of the divine truth and vision that was being given me at that very moment!  Praying with Julia, after she had prayed for me, we both felt the affirming peace and love of our Heavenly Parents, and can testify of the unity of Their love.

 

In the spirit of this Easter Day, and the celebration of our Redeemer and Savior being Risen, and as a Renewal, I want to share my spirit of Renewal, and the unfolding of my best true self.  I want to leave behind the guile and fake human being I have tried to be because I thought it was expected of me.  I can feel the shackles of those expectations freeing me, and this last week has been one of momentous steps.  I will share those, in posts over the next few days, as I try to share the joy I have found, in following the call of my Heavenly Parents, to become my best me!

 

I am not saying I'm now perfect. Far from it. What I am saying is that, because of my desire to be free of the sinful guileful path I have been on most of my life, I have found the courage within myself, to stand up for my true identity. I now know that I must dig up my hidden, and long buried Talents, and let them shine forth before the world.  I have made so many remarkable and close friends and dear sisters online, and because of them I have been Fasting, Praying, studying scriptures, with a renewed sense of purpose.  I have been blessed that as I have continued to attend church meetings, that are sometimes painful, I have been given the gift of an accepting and understanding Bishop who loves me, and desires for me to be my best true self!

 

.....and yes, because I have been Fasting for Julia, I have been brought to a most amazing and awesome point in my life, when things are becoming crystal clear, where once they were foggy. Things are becoming fun, happy and cheerful in my life, where for the longest time, they have been dim, drudgery, disappointing, and depressing.

 

I am regaining the thing my wife lamented some 16-17 years ago....”You used to have Happy Feet....you used to be fun-loving, and happy-go-lucky”.... yes....we used to be friends, a long time ago, and that was when she called me “Turkey Face”,  because of my love of Turkey and my happy Pollyannishness of optimism and positivity.

 

I not only feel all these old things coming back, but they are in a form far stronger than I have ever known. I am free to be me. I am a free spirit, and I am happy. Life is good, and things are getting better every day.  I am being reborn in this Easter Season!

 

My Mormon Perspective: Why I Believe in Marriage Equality, As a Mormon

It is incredibly painful for me to sit at a computer, even my laptop.  It is why my posts have been so sporadic lately, and why they will continue to be, until I have the spinal surgery I am still waiting for. (Prayers are always welcome!) This issue is important enough, and so I choose to go through the pain, to share with you why I believe that Marriage Equality is not only the right thing to do, I believe that it is what my religious beliefs, as a Mormon, tell my is expected of me as a disciple of Christ.  I will start by encouraging you to check out these blog posts.  Each one has a slightly different view, and as I read them, I realized that I would be remiss if I did not add my voice.

I am a straight ally, who believes that marriage, as a civil right, should NOT be limited to opposite sex partners. I also believe that each church community should be able to choose what kind of civil marriage ceremonies they are willing to solemnize in their religious institutions.
 

I believe in the freedom on people to choose who they love, and to be able to live their lives together, regardless of whether it conforms to the religious or political views of other people, and as does not break the law. I believe that laws which restrict marriage to only opposite gender couples are unconstitutional. As a Mormon, I find great irony that our Prophets once spoke out boldly and emphatically that consenting adults should be allowed to marry how and who they loved. They rejected laws that only allow marriage between one man and one woman. The LDS church has in the past consented to women being married to each other, as sister wives to a shared husband. They held my belief, that restrictions on what kind of marriages are recognized as legal, were unconstitutional.

It seems to me that Prop 8, and the LDS church choosing to continue to politically oppose the rights of others, (whose religious beliefs do not agree with their relatively new stance, that marriage is only between one man and one woman) as a rejection of the stated Mormon belief in the 11th Article of our faith, which proclaims:

"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." 11th Article of Faith 
If we allow all men (and women) to worship "how, where or what they may," then we should step out of the way, and allow those whose belief in God includes the right for all God's children to marry their chosen partner, (without regard for the gender of that partner) to do so without interference from those who believe differently. Even if, or especially if, we believe someone else's belief is completely contradictory to our own beliefs, our core doctrine tells us that we have no right to interfere with the rights of those we live among, who should not be bound by our beliefs.

Personally, I don't believe marriage between two women, or two men, who deeply love each other, is a sin. There are others of my faith that do. I believe that it is Satan's plan to force everyone to conform to one set of beliefs and practices. Even if something is wrong, or a "sin," we are taught that we will be punished for our own sins, not for those of others. To not allow all men and women to live their lives in a way that conforms to their fundamental beliefs about themselves and their relationship to God, is to refuse people their agency.

About 12-13 years ago, I was assigned to visit and befriend a women whose young family had recently moved to Oregon, because her husband's got a promotion. She had lived all of her life, up to that time, in Utah and had been home schooled by her parents. Her family had been very active in conservative Republican groups that sought to abolish abortion, with no exceptions. She had actively participated in demonstrations demanding that homosexuals not be allowed to teach school, adopt children, and she believed that children of gay parents should be put in the foster care system for the safety of those children. She had a very different upbringing than mine, and yet as we visited regularly, we became close enough friends for her to share some of the bewilderment she felt living in a part of Oregon that had more registered Democrats than Republicans.

She found it confusing that both of Oregon's senators, one a Republican and one a Democrat often co-sponsored legislation, and often did town hall style meetings, throughout the state, together.

One Monday morning, she called me because she was very upset, and she asked me if I could visit her that day. When I got there, she was pretty agitated. As we talked, she expressed her confusion and concern, when in Sunday School one of the Bishopric members talked about being at a political rally for a Democratic candidate. She was concerned because it didn't seem, from his comment, that he was there to protest the rally, but to be part of it. She wasn't sure if she should report his Democratic sympathies to the bishop or the stake president.

It took me a little while to coax out of her why she felt she needed to report the comment. She believed that you couldn't be a Democrat, and hold a temple recommend. When I told her that of course Democrats could hold temple recommends, her response was that in a temple interview we are asked:

"Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?" http://lds4u.com/lesson5/templequestions.htm

All her life, my friend had been taught that all Democrats were wrong, and if the things she had been told about Democrats was true, then they would have to lie when they answered this question, or they would be denied a temple recommend, and not be able to hold leadership callings in the church. It was a teaching moment for both of us.

Part of me wanted to simply laugh at her "ignorance" and dismiss her as hopelessly out of touch. Luckily the Holy Ghost intervened and helped me understand that she was seriously conflicted about this. As we talked, I explained that my parents did not belong to the same political party, and while they often agreed on local issues, their votes almost always "cancelled each other out" in statewide or national votes. I then shared with her a number of people in our ward and stake, including our Stake President who were Democrats. I don't think I will ever forget the look on her face as she pulled out her temple recommend and said, "but he just signed my temple recommend last month." This was true spiritual stretching and growing for her, to even imagine that there were so many Democrats all around her, and they were not sons of perdition, automatically headed for hell. We read the 11th Article of Faith, that is quoted above, and spent several hours discussion reasons that some Mormons don't feel they can join the Republican Party with a good conscience.

When I told her that the church allows for abortions in some circumstances, she needed to lay down for a while. She asked if I had proof, and I shared the experience of a friend who had been raped and had decided to terminate her pregnancy, with the blessing of church leaders. I then shared my personal story, and my gratitude for the miscarriage that had saved me from having to make the choice about whether to carry the child of the boy who raped me.

Over the next few months, in discussions with the bishop, who confirmed the things I had shared with her, and with her husband who was very conservative but had served a mission in Europe where members often belong to socialist political parties, she became deeply disaffected all with politics. Several times I came to her home in the middle of the day to let her cry, stroking her hair as she laid with her head in my lap, after she had yet another fight with her parents about the things she was learning.

It took her several months to ask me which political party I belonged to. I think she needed not to know, until she was ready to accept the possibility that *I* might not be a Republican. When I told her that I wasn't registered with a political party, that I chose to be non-affiliated, she was confused. I explained that I looked at each of the candidates in each race, and studied each ballot measure, and then prayed about my vote choices. Most times my ballot had votes for both Democrats and Republicans, because I feel I need to pick the best woman or man in each race. I knew I wouldn't ever agree with everything a candidate believed, and so I generally looked for the candidates that tended to be in favor of making sure everyone had the same opportunities in life, and believed in letting people make their own choices when it came to decisions about their bodies, families and religion. I also looked for candidates who acted Christlike, whatever their actual belief in God was. I once helped campaign for a woman who was an atheist, but whose record as a state representative was such that I felt she was doing the work of Christ, even if she did not believe in Him.

For me, there are many areas where I think religion and politics simply should not be brought together. I feel blessed to live in a state that allows me to vote, AND be unaffiliated with any political party. I feel both a religious and a political conviction that I need to be loving to all people, to be Christlike and follow the beatitudes He taught. I don't feel like either party can say that all of their policies align with that standard. I also believe that no one needs to agree with me, and I don't condemn those who are members of a party that they mostly agree with, especially if their state makes it difficult to vote if a person is not registered with a party. Just because I can't do the mental and moral gymnastics to become a Republican or Democrat, does not mean that I lose respect for those who feel that working within a party gives them the most influence to impact their party's agenda.

What I do have a hard time respecting are people who profess to be Mormon, and believe in the Articles of faith, and still fundamentally want to restrict the ability of others to practice their beliefs, and to limit every one's choices because they believe that *their* life choices should be required of others. I see the freedom of others to disagree with my thoughts and feelings as a fundamental teaching of my chosen religion. Even if I think their disagreements are bigoted or hateful, as long as they don't commit a crime because of their beliefs, then they have the right to believe it. When they try to force their choices on others, is where I believe they have crossed the line, and are no longer allowing to "worship how, where, or what they may."


And, for the most eloquent speach I have heard on this subject, from three years ago, New York Senator Diane Savino explains her vote for Marriage Equality, and why it is no threat to religious institutions.  The bill in NY did not pass, but her speech is worth watching because everything she said then, is still true today!

 

My Mormon Perspective: That Day: All the little things that led to attempting suicide

This post is dedicated to my friend Leah, and her sister who did not survive That Day.  I will never be a substitute for Leah's own sister, but I am grateful to have her as both a friend and sister.

 

 

My mother, Kathy Haynie, wrote a post on March 1st, 2013, twenty years after the afternoon I attempted suicide. This is her story.....

After reading this, it brought back a lot of memories, and I realized that I am not sure I was ever asked what happened before I started to swallow pills on that afternoon. In therapy we talked about the big issues in my life, and those big issues were more than enough to justify that me going over the edge. We addressed the dysfunction in my family, especially the conflicts with my father. The fragile emotional state I was in was after I was raped was obvious to everyone. My boyfriend breaking up with me, after I told him about the rape, was a piece of the puzzle. (The miscarriage after the rape, that I told no one about, certainly increased my feelings of isolation. Even now, 20 years later, the shame and joy of that haunts me.  The joy at not being pregnant with my rapist's baby.)

The big stresses in my life were legitimate and I have spent years in counseling because of them. None of those "huge things" happened that exact day. Most days I woke up on that razor thin edge, but I had woken up to much worst days, and by the time I fell asleep on those days, I was in my own bed.

I got asked a lot of questions during two weeks of inpatient therapy (which truly saved my life) and I answered those questions, learned about myself from my answers, and the answers of the other teenagers in the program. Still, no one asked me why I snapped that *particular* day, instead of two days earlier, or another week later.

After reading my mom's blog post, I realized it is important to talk about That Day. To put it down in black and white, words that bear testimony to That Day.  I am sharing this story, in several forums, because any one of us could have been the person who was the last straw, who tried to take away the last thing that gave my world a center, a grounded space.  That Day, my final straw came in seminary.

The rest of this post will make the most sense if you go read this blog post first, since it is written as a letter to my mother.

********Trigger Warning: Suicide attempt, rape, physical and emotional abuse, grief


That Day

 

That Day I felt small and alone, only half of me even there.

Mom, I don't think I have ever told you what happened that led up to it being that *particular* day.

That Day I said my morning prayers. I had been praying to Heavenly Mother for a while at that point. I had never heard it wasn't okay, until That Day in seminary. She was a substitute teacher, I have to assume her intentions were good, that there was a reason she didn't teach the regular seminary lesson That Day. Instead, she chose to have us read and discuss excepts from several talks. She thought we needed to know what was in them, to keep us from becoming apostate. She made it clear that praying to any divine being except God the Father, by way of His Son, was blaspheme and worshipping False Gods.

That Day there was something that triggered each of the worst things of the previous few years. Dad yelling because I hadn't rolled my pad up with enough TP and he could see the red when he was in the bathroom. He told me when he got home that night I was going to wish I was dead. (That pad wasn't mine, but I didn't want who ever it belonged to, to have to have that conversation with him.)

That Day, before I made it to 1st Period, I was yelled at by several YM for setting a curve too high on a test in Pre-Calc. I was accused of purposely trying to lower the GPAs of the LDS boys in my classes.

(My lack of desire to go to BYU, was twisted into the taunt that I hated Mormon boys because they wouldn't date me. From freshman year on, any time I set a curve, I was accused of purposely trying to keep all LDS YM at my school from getting into BYU.)

On top of that, That Day I was still being taunted about being dumped by my former boyfriend, just days before. My tormentors didn't know why I had been dumped, or that I had been raped, but I doubt that there would have been increased compassion if they did know those details.

That Day the very last straw, was "learning" in seminary that a prophet said it was a sin to pray to Heavenly Mother. In my personal prayers, the only way that had ever worked for me to pray to my Heavenly Parents was by first searching out my Heavenly Mother. As I sat in seminary I felt sucker punched, that I was being told that every spiritual truth I had even known, my entire testimony, my faith; all that made me who I thought I was, only brought more sin down on me. That Day I was being thrown out of the reality and center that had helped me survive so many things, and so I wandered through the rest of school in a fog.

That Day I went home and made it through dad yelling at me on the phone. I did not start crying before the call ended. I thought of having to pray only to Heavenly Father, of being forced to give up praying to Heavenly Mother. Asking me to give that small piece of hope, and hand it over to a father, even a Heavenly Father, was too much to ask That Day.

That Day I couldn't see a way to keep going. Even more, I didn't want to keep going. I had gone through enough hell. I was ready to sleep, without a nightmare. That Day I wanted out of everything. I locked myself in the bathroom, and took everything in every Tylenol bottle.

That Day, at That Time, I started praying, to Heavenly Mother. I asked Her to let me be anywhere but where I was. I asked Her to let me out of the Hell that was my life!

After the police, fire fighters, and EMTs showed up That Day, everyone was asking questions, and I didn't know what the *right answers* were. For that matter, I didn't care what the *right answers* were.

That Day, for once, I just told the truth about how I felt. I told the truth about the bruises. I said, "Yes" when they asked me if I was afraid of my father. I didn't think through every answer. I wasn't trying to figure out how much trouble I would be in, or what I would be blamed for.

That Day, I felt like a failure. I was not "pure," and had not been at any time that I could remember. Growing up was not an innocent time, nor was it a place of perfect tranquility and love. There were lots of days over the years that could have become That Day, but always I was blessed with something that reminded my I was smart, hard working, and a Daughter of a God and Goddess!

That Day I wanted and needed my Heavenly Mother, and I had been told that my desire was a sin. When I was at my lowest point, when I was willing to make this The Last Day of my Mortal Life, my Heavenly Mother and my Heavenly Father heard my cries. I felt She was worth dying for, They asked me whether my relationship with Her was worth living for!

At the end of That Day, my face had no make up, my body was adorned with no jewelry, I wore no clothing of my own, and I was in a space where I could cry. When I was finally in a room all by myself, with a pillow, blanket and my scriptures, I reached out in the most tentative of ways, and in That Space, on That Day, my Heavenly Mother was THERE. She is always there, as my Heavenly Father is.  Both of my Heavenly Parents are always waiting for me to come to them.

I wrote this for myself, to put in to words the memories of that day, that in some ways have held me captive.  By not sharing the details of that day, those details have held power over me, in my dreams, in my nightmares, and at times in flashbacks.  I am ready to take back that part of myself.

I am sharing what I wrote so that every person who is not sure if today is That Day for them, can know that it doesn't need to be.  There are so many people who would be there for you ,if only they knew how much you were hurting.  You don't have to tell everything at once.  It took me 20 years to be at the point where I have told most of it.  The parts that are left are emotions, and I don't yet know how to use words to describe them. 

There are words like loneliness, shame, despair and joy, which have so many nuances in different situations, that I may write a hundred thousand poems in my life, and never come close to sharing anything specific enough for you to share in the emotion I was, or am, feeling.  It will be the same for you.  There will be things that other survivors will understand better than someone who has not walked for a time on the road through hell, but even they won't be able to interpret your cries as well as they would wish.  I found that I could pore my heart out to my Heavenly Mother, and feel heard, and feel that I could then share some of the burden with her.  I feel Christ as the mediator of those experiences, the one who paid the price for my sins, so that I might be able to talk with Her when I need to. 

There is not One Way that works for everyone and will be the way that works best for you.  Whether it is meditation, prayer, service, screaming into a storm, or any other thing that makes you feel that you are able to give away some of your pain, Do It!  You were not meant to ever have That Day be the end of your life.  If talking to me, is something that you think might make your load a little lighter, my (email) door is always open.  I am always willing to help you find a professional close to you to help you find your way out of the despair you find yourself in.

Looking back on That Day, I can not say that I regret it.  It did change many things in my life, that I did not know how to change.  If you read my mom's post, then you know that it changed the lives of my mother, father and siblings.  Not all of them see that as a good thing, and some think that I was very selfish.  They are entitled to "their truth" and I may have been selfish. 

I certainly was not sad to have the changes that were made come, but I know others were.  I do wish I had known that there were padded rooms and inpatient psychiatric treatment that could help me, and that I had found a way to be in a program like that, without hurting my body.  I wish I had fought harder to make my life better, instead of deciding to give up.  In the end, I can't go back and change any of what happened.  I can't change the big issues, and I can't change the small things of That Day.  What I can do is share them, and hope that in sharing them, someone else and that person's family, is saved from the very real fact that not everyone who has had That Day, is still alive.

Quick Update, and call for Guest Authors!

I am grateful to know how many of my regular readers not only enjoy this blog, but also have noticed that my posts have been more sporadic than usual.  I don't want to bore you with all the details, but I still have not my second spinal surgery, which means I need to limit my time on my laptop or desk top computer, to use either one requires either sitting up or twisting in is painful, and I am not able to do it every day.  I am hopeful, after getting the 2nd opinion, (that the insurance company insisted on) that the surgery will happen soon, but I don't have a confirmed date yet. 

Until then, I will continue to compose on my iPhone, and transfer posts from there to my laptop, when I have the energy to do it.  Simply transferring, editing, and formatting a post can take up to an hour, depending on the length of the post.  Between it taking longer to compose on my iPhone, (especially poetry) and the hit or miss ability to be on a computer, (formatting on blogger does not work on my iPhone) I won't be able to post every day, while I am waiting for the surgery.
 

With that said, I would love to have more guest authors!  Most of my recent guest posts have been connected to the Finding Heavenly Mother Project, but I would like to have that balanced out with more poetry, My (Feminist, Post) Mormon Perspective, and Mormon Moment guest posts.  If you have something that doesn't exactly fall into one of those categories, but you think will fit in to the theme of the blog, I would love to have you submit your writing, and see if it would be something that would work here. 

I am always interested in poetry and prose by children and teenagers, as well as by adults. To submit your work, you can email me at findingmywaysoftly @gmail.com




Kids and Teenage Authors Welcome!!

While I do not accept every offered poem or post, there are very few authors, who have contacted me about being a guest author, that we haven't been able to find some of their work that was a good fit for poetrysansonions!  (The only author that I can think of that we didn't decide to not work together was a poet who used significant amounts of profanity in all of his poetry.  Once he realized that this blog has Mormon underpinings, (and my stated goal of staying PG-13) he understood why I didn't feel comfortable with the three poems he has submitted, and we mutually agreed that it would be better for him to look for other forums to share his poetry.)



A rainbow reminds me that good comes from even the worst storm!

I hope all of you are enjoying the start to this week.  The weather here is cloudy now, but we are supposed to have patched of sun.  I am hoping we get rainbows again.  One rainbow on Saturday lasted over 4 hours, and it was beautiful!

Why We Should "Talk About These Things"

Over the last several months there have been several projects that have germinated in a Mormon Feminist group, called All Enlisted.  Some of the ideas discussed are discarded, or put on the back burner for a time that they might be more appropriate for.  A number of the ideas have turned into independent projects, headed by one or two members, who feel passionate about that particular project.  The Finding Heavenly Mother Project is a project that I had envisioned, and laid the ground work for, before I every joined All Enlisted.  What All Enlisted offered me was a group of other people who are experienced starting projects, who asked me questions, gave suggestions, and ultimately some members committed to help me.  There are many other projects that have also been discussed, gotten support from individuals and are being planned, but that do not carry an endorsement and are not labelled "All Enlisted Projects."

There is no one pattern that works for every life,
but the gospel gives us many beautiful ways to love and support each other.

All Enlisted has so far has had two official projects.  The first was Wear Pants to Church Sunday.  I have written about it in other posts, but one of the things that made the project more successful, with a lot more media attention than anyone expected, was because there was just a radical response against it.  The LDS Church's official position has allowed women to wear pants to church from before I was born, and yet the culture in the LDS church uses soft pressure to make it seem deviant, or less righteous if a woman is in pants instead of a skirt or dress.  Part of the reason All Enlisted was not prepared for the level of attention the event received, was because, there was the feeling that it was so tame, that we would be lucky if 1,000 people even knew about the event.  Since I am guessing most of my readers already know about the firestorm that followed, I am not going into details.  Essentially there was everything from shaming, accusations of apostasy, and a death threat or two.  For the proposed action, it was a completely over the top.  It was the reaction that got the attention of the press, and it was standing up to that reaction that brought more women to church in pants, than ever would have without the craziness of the backlash.
 
The second project is still going on right now.  It is a letter writing campaign, to ask some of the General Authorities to consider letting women pray in General Conference.  There are several members of All Enlisted who have volunteered to deliver the letter personally to those General Authorities, and have asked that people have their letters post marked by February 22nd, if they want to be part of the project.  Like the first All Enlisted project, this one highlights a cultural inequality in the LDS church.  Spencer W. Kimball clarified that women should be allowed to pray in any meeting which they are invited to attend.  Since that clarification, women now regularly pray in congregational meetings, in area conferences, and in all meetings in the church that they attend, EXCEPT in General Conference.  Most of the letters share personal experiences and ask the leaders of the church to consider what it would mean to many women, if a woman were allowed to pray in General Conference.  In general, All Enlisted is asking those leaders to pray and seek the Lord's guidance and inspiration.  The previous reactions to women wearing pants (something that has been allowed for decades) was part of the reason to choose a mild, and extremely respectful, way to ask LDS church leaders to consider thinking about how the lack of women praying in General Conference can be hurtful to some members.

While there have been no threats of violence surrounding the "Let Women Pray" project, there certainly have been many aggressive and angry responses on the Facebook page for the project.   One particularly contentious thread was started by someone who objected to anyone who is Mormon, discussing issues in the Mormon church in public.  The initial post was very aggressive with that position, and the discussion continued that way for quite some time.  At the point I became aware of it, there were at least 20 (probably more) comments.  I took some time to read them all, and then to pray and write my response.  I have had a number of people ask me to share it, because while it addresses the particular thread, it gets to the heart of why it is important not to stifle conversations about the LDS church, whether those conversation are private or public.  (I removed the name of the original poster and fixed a few spelling errors, otherwise the comment is in its original form.)

" I am sorry that you have not been able to see the love, respect and reverence that is involved in the discussions about how to make sure this letter writing campaign was created and shared in a loving way. While not one of the Admins, I was part of the early discussions, and being humble, sharing our personal stories and reasons for our desire to see women asked to pray during General Conference was extremely important. We did not start a petition, or create a form letter that people could electronically sign, because there is no desire to put words in any one's mouth or heart. Each person who chooses to write a letter has their own reasons, and no one expects that this will be something that every member of the church chooses to participate in.

Certainly, creating a Facebook group both shares the information and invites people to join, if they choose. It also creates a space for conversation, questions, answers, worries, and also building connections with other people who identify with the thoughts and feelings that are shared. It also can create feelings of frustration, which is the major emotion I feel from you, when reading your post and comments.

I hope that you can understand the difference between conversation and confrontation. I hope that you will have a chance to let the emotional frustration cool off, and then read the post, and all of the comments again. If you can get to a place where you can leave the emotions behind, you might want to ask yourself a few questions. It is fine to share your answers if you want, but since the answers will be most important to you, and not to the rest of us, I am not asking you to answer them here.

When you learned about the project, and this page, what made you feel that confrontation was the best way to address them?

Do you believe that the revelations in the Doctrine and Covenants, that were a response to questions that members asked Joseph, and he then asked The Lord, are appropriate?

If you do feel that those questions and their subsequent revelations were appropriate, do you also believe that the heavens are open and personal revelation can still be received by each of the children of our Heavenly Parents, and continuing prophetic revelations for our times?


Revelation: Direct Answers from God, to Questions We Ask -
is the Foundation of the Mormon Faith!

I do believe in both personal and prophetic revelation, and that all revelation comes as it has been described in Moroni. We must ASK God, with pure intent, whether something is true. If we do not receive confirmation of truth, then we must study more, continue to think about solutions and pray for that confirmation. I have been through this process hundreds, probably close to a thousand times, and I believe that the revelation I have received in my own life to be invaluable. I think it is actually a good thing for the LDS church, to have people of other faiths be able to see that process of thoughtful questions and discussion, as part of the process of continued conversion and revelation at a personal and Prophetic level. We ask new converts, before they are baptized to read the Book of Mormon, learn our core doctrine, and then pray about those things they have learned.

Our religion is not one based on blind obedience, but on personal revelation and a reciprocal relationship with Christ and our Heavenly Parents, as mediated by the Holy Ghost. This is our lived religion, our daily reliance on not ritual, but revelation. I am not ashamed to have the world see that process happen within our world-wide church community. Whatever the outcome of our asking questions, there is nothing that tells us not to ask. In fact, Joseph started with a question, and the scriptures had taught him that he could ask and not be scolded by God for doing so."

I am not asking anyone to share your answers to the questions I asked here, but I am interested to hear any additional thoughts!

Guest Post: The Mortal Classroom: When We Are Not Ourselves

When I was a teenager, I had an experience that I can only describe as having the veil lifted for a very short time.

I was taunted, even tormented by the young men, but especially the young women. I oftentimes would wonder why I was stuck in mutual with so may cruel people. After a particularly cruel group of comments before the activity even started, I found a coat closet corner that allowed me to be difficult to see, while being able to see everything going on in the hall. It felt like a safe place to me because my back was in a corner, and no one could approach me without me knowing.

I am not sure how long I was praying, it was at least 15 minutes, when I heard a sound, and looked up to see who it was. For a moment I had no idea who it was. She was beautiful, with an inner light and glow of beauty through joy and love. Her movements were graceful, and it seemed that she was bathed in a sweetness that surrounded her like spun candy, spreading out from her and taking up at least three time the space a normal human teenager would.

As she came closer, I would see more closely, and that despite that brilliant beauty, there was a juxtaposition, starting at her mouth. Her lips were a deep red, while the rest of her body was light, and as airy as the spun sugar around her. Despite the lightness of her clothing and the grace she naturally possessed, her shoulders were hunched forward, and did not seem to relax to join the rest of her natural ability. I also noticed that her eyes, while a warm chocolate color, held no warmth, as they darted back and forth in their search for something.

All of the sudden, she cleared her throat and the vision vanished. The mouth, shoulders and eyes were unchanged, but the heavenly beauty that had surrounded her before were completely gone.

She walked past me without seeing or noticing me, and her shrill command to a sibling, followed by the sound of a slap and laughter that did not tinkle, made my grateful that I was not the person she sought.

As a teenager, I did not think too much about this vision. It was not my first, although it was one of only a few I had outside of my special hiding places. I was confused by it, by the sense I had that she was choosing to be someone that she was not naturally meant to be. It didn't change our relationship, or impact my life at that time. I still saw her as someone who was dangerous to my spiritual well being, and my most likely and outspoken taunter.

It wasn't until later, when I had another similar vision, that I realized the true lessons of those few indelible moments. The first was that she was a daughter of our Heavenly Father and Mother, and with that, she had every gift given to her, so that she could choose to become as They are. Just as an infant has to learn to use their bodies, we as humans have to learn how to use the Spiritual gifts we are given. We have the choice to learn to move as gracefully as our spiritual selves. We must refind the warmth and love that we were bathed in, during our pre-mortal existence, by our Heavenly Parents.

The second lesson is that we can choose whether to accept that love and learn to be in tune with the selves we were, before mortality. Or, we can fight our Divinity, choose to reject those parts of our previous selves, and through our actions, become predators, looking for earthly power over others.  It is a choice we make, and not something that we are predestined to do, or not do.

I don't know what eventually became of that young woman. I have heard gossip, but I have not seen her in over 20 years, and I don't think I would recognize her if I saw her on the street. I honestly hope that wherever she is, she is not as out of step with who she can be, as she was that night.

 

 

(Anonymous:  I do intend to write about other experiences of this kind, and many of those experiences involve people who are not members of the LDS church, but who were very much in tune with the spiritual self that I saw surrounding them. I wanted to make this clear, because I do not want to give the impression that only Mormons have spiritual gifts, or that you must be a member of a certain religion, or even that you must believe in a God or Gods, to be living a an authentic life that is moving in a way that is in balance with the greater spirit that surrounds you.)

Finding Heavenly Mother: The General Authorities DO talk about her, and so can YOU!

The General Authorities DO talk about her, and so can YOU!
By David Ferguson

David is a senior at BYU studying Middle Eastern Studies and Arabic. He was born and raised in Montana, which may be why he likes to think and talk about obscure things.

Having a keen interest in theology and my religion, I often thought as a teenager about the afterlife and the expansive explanation that Mormonism offered on it. I decided to learn everything I could. At the same time I also became fascinated by other Christian beliefs and studied their ideas on the afterlife. As I studied the very simplistic dichotomous structure of heaven and hell in traditional Christianity, I found that I grasped the basic concepts quickly. Their explanation of heaven and hell was so simple that there really was not anything to deeply question about it. It was what it was. The Mormon afterlife, on the other hand, was intricate and complex by comparison. Paradoxically, studying the detailed Mormon view of the afterlife left me with a whole list of unanswered questions, loose ends that the revelations did not address. To put it simply, I found that complexity leads to mystery. And if any figure in Mormon thought is shrouded in layers of mystery, it is Heavenly Mother.

Not much is said about Heavenly Mother in Mormon thought, but probably more than what most people realize. In his review of Paulsen and Pulido's 2011 BYU Studies article "A Mother There," V.H. Cassier, points out some surprising details about her. Erastus Snow taught that "we should understand that Deity consists of man and woman," implying, perhaps, that a prayer to Heavenly Father is heard also by our Heavenly Mother. John A. Widstoe stated that She holds all of the traits of Godhood. In fact, Russell M. Ballard explained, She participated in designing the Plan of Happiness. Other General Authorities have made equally inspiring claims about Her role and importance. The idea that we should keep a "sacred silence" about Heavenly Mother in order to protect Her is nowhere advanced by any General Authority, being nothing more than a popular myth among members uncomfortable with the non-traditional nature of the topic. In contrast, Church leaders have made consistent references to Heavenly Mother throughout the Church's history. There really is no reason to avoid celebrating Her; or as former President of the Twelve Rudger Clawson suggested, "adore" Her.

So how does Heavenly Mother factor into Mormon thought? As alluded to above, She is a complex figure. While a lot really has been said about Her, there are probably more questions worth asking than good answers. However, I am not so sure this is a problem. When I studied and compared Mormon and traditional Christian afterlives, I found myself quickly learning and understanding the basic components of the traditional Christian heaven and hell. I mastered it, then I moved on. However, the Mormon concept of the afterlife, a swirling nexus of strange and beautiful thoughts and questions, left me in hours of contemplation. Its resplendent narrative of the final steps of humanity left me in awe and wonderment. Through meditation and reflection I found personal answers that became treasured answers; slight glimpses into the great workings of God's mind. Without the mystery, I would never have had the opportunity. Such contemplation can equally be offered on behalf of our Heavenly Mother. Through thinking about Her, considering Her, I believe we can develop a personal relationship with Her and catch glimpses of Her voice within the arrayed cosmos She helped create.

(Julia's note:  I have to start out with a sincere apology to David.  He completed this quite some time ago, and emailed it to me, and I lost it.  With my medical issues, I simply forgot, and it was only in going back to look for something else that I rediscovered this.  I am grateful to David for his fantastic writing, for finding this particular article, and for his patience in having it published later than expected.

I hope all of you will follow the link to this article, and then follow the link to the entire published work.  In a time when Heavenly Mother is often whispered of, and when we still claim to know very little of Her, it is very important to have a complete accounting of those things that have been said and written by modern day apostles and prophets.  In fact, I have gotten a fair number of emails, asking (or sometimes demanding) that we stop the Finding Heavenly Mother project.  This article, and the recent publishing of this information in a formal church publication has always been my fairly short answer in explaining why I do not believe that those who are trying to find ways to better know their Heavenly Mother, are heading towards a life of sin and apostasy. 

David was the one who originally helped me find this article, and he deserves all the credit I can offer.  I think maybe the highest honor I can bestow upon him here on the blog, is that he is a true Momma's Boy!)

Finding Heavenly Mother: Jenni finds her as she sings

How I Found Heavenly Mother
Jenni Brighton

It was simple and I had understood since childhood. God is married, we have a Heavenly Mother, but we don't really talk about Her. She's there, and that's all we need to know.

I had been content with this my entire life. Truly. I knew other women who felt patronized by patriarchy and wanted to reach out to a Feminine Divine, but I was no feminist. She was there, and that was good enough for me. I never sought Her out. But She sought me.

One night, almost exactly two years ago now, I was trying to get my baby to sleep. He was fussy, and I sat in my room rocking him back to sleep for over an hour. As I rocked him, I sang to him. Truthfully, when I sing to my babies I'm partly singing for me, so I pick the songs I like best. One of my favorite hymns is "How Great Thou Art," and since I know all the words it frequently
appears in my lullaby repertoire.

As I sang the third verse of that hymn, I thought of my love for my own sons, and of our understanding of  "God" as including both Father and Mother, and I was overwhelmed at the thought of not just a Father 'sending his son' but of a mother--what if I were asked to send my son. I looked down at my baby boy. Somehow viewing it from a motherly perspective made the atonement infinitely more personal for me: voluntarily sending one of my sons to give his life for my other children.

Truly, I scarce can take it in! In all honesty, I don't know whether I would be able to do it.
 

And when I think that God [Her] son not sparing

Sent him to die

I scarce can take it in...

Then sings my soul my [Mother] God, to Thee

How great Thou art!

How great Thou art!

(Hymns # 86, v. 3)

I was overwhelmed.



Moon Goddess by Josephine Wall

The brilliant white waxing moon shone through my bedroom window, illuminating my entire bedroom in spite of being only a crescent. As I absorbed the moonlight I pondered on nature and the beauty of the universe, and thought it was no wonder that ancient cultures had attributed feminine deity to the moon.

In the  months leading up to that night, I had been thinking about paganism because I wanted to find a more mindful way to observe the passage of the seasons. Just a few weeks prior to that night I had been talking with an LDS friend who suggested that one of the great things about paganism was its open acceptance of Mother Goddess. "Oh," I said, "I'm really in it for the seasonal observances, I've never felt a particular desire to seek Heavenly Mother."

But it seems I did not have to seek Her, I only needed to be open to receive Her when She sought me. Embracing paganism (in conjunction with my Mormonism) opened the door for Her, and She did not hesitate to come into my life. 

And now I see her everywhere. She is in the moon and in the sea. She is in the trees and in the temple. She is in me, and She has become part of my daily life. In fact, within a few months of my initial experience, I was able to share in a Daughters of Mormonism podcastabout
some of the many symbols that help me connect to Mother Goddess. (If you're interested,
you can listen to it here.)

And now I realize, She was there all along, I just hadn't seen her.

There are many of us (mostly women, but not all) who have been finding and knowing our Goddess in recent months and years. Many mormons re uneasy about discussing Her or trying to know Her because little has been said via official sources, but more and more of  us are connecting with Her regardless. Some of my friends have expressed that they feel Her 'moving in the world' or that we 'have reached a tipping point.' I agree with them. She is standing at the door and knocking, waiting for us to receive her.

You can find other writing about Heavenly Mother, from Jenni by going to any of these links!!


Contemplating Mother Goddess http://motherwheel.blogspot.com/2011/01/contemplating-mother-goddess.html

Finding the Feminine Divine http://brightonwoman.blogspot.com/2011/06/finding-feminine-divine.html

Happy Mother's Day http://brightonwoman.blogspot.com/2012/05/happy-mothers-day.html

Finding Heavenly Mother Project (FHMP) is on Facebook!

I have been saving this short poem to go with something fun!  Today, I have it! 

The Finding Heavenly Mother Project now has a Facebook Presence.  If you are on Facebook and want to join, you should be able to search for it under groups, and if you can't find it, just PM me or Edward, and we will be sure to invite you.  (I think I can talk for Leah, Curtis Penfeld and Jenni Brighton too!) 

***  Coolness update!  Since I wrote the original post, Jenni Brighton has submitted a post, watch for it next week!

Long strands of light
Reaching from one heart to another

Some short hops

Others thousands of miles on luminous threads

Collecting all of the children
Whose hearts are connected
Through the love, faith and tears
That bind us as siblings.

Bringing the millions of friends
Who are not in the same physical place-
But whose hearts beat in time.

Sending out messages
On the wavelength
Of sisterly love -
Inviting the brothers who can hear
To be one with us!

Finding Heavenly Mother Project: Introducing Edward

I am soooooo very excited to have a new partner in the Finding Heavenly Mother Project!  As a way to introduce Edward Jones, we are cross-posting one of his posts on gailymormon.com where he shares his talk to his ward about how Heavenly Mother has impacted his life!  When I asked him if he would like to join me on the Heavenly Mother project, he enthusiastically agreed and is going to help with making a Facebook presence, as well as helping me keep the home page updated and adding more resources while I am dealing with my medical issues.

Edward's profile on gailymormon.com say:
I'm a thirty something musician and lawyer who grew up Mormon and served a mission, then left the church because I'm gay. After ten years of sex, drugs, opera, and recovery, I'm returning to Mormon church activity.

I have explored and been enriched by other faiths and traditions, especially Buddhism. But Mormon theology moves me most, with its vision of limitless human potential. In returning to the church, I hope to reconnect with the social and theological richness of Mormons while maintaining my individuality and even offering something of value to the church from my unorthodox life.

I am so glad to have found a partner in the journey that the Finding Heavenly Mother Project has become for so many of us!

When I asked Edward why he was interested in the Finding Heavenly Mother Project, his response was; I am a devotee of the Goddess. I recently returned to the Mormon church after 12 years of inactivity because I felt called by Heavenly Mother. I am excited to work for the full inclusion of LGBT folks (including myself) in the church. But my true calling is to work for gender equality in the church and testify of the miracles Heavenly Mother has worked in my life. This talk was my first public effort to do so. I hope it inspires others to speak out, as I have been inspired by the priestesses and prophetesses who came before me.

Edward's crosspost from gailymormon.org

I delivered this talk in sacrament meeting at the Washington DC Third Ward on Sunday, January 20, 2013. The first counselor in the bishopric asked me to speak on how the gospel has changed my life, and invited me to be as honest as I wanted to be. I have transcribed the talk here to the best of my memory. Ellipses (“…”) indicate places where I got a bit choked up and had to pause.
 
At the end of the meeting, the bishop responded to my talk with doctrinal clarifications, summarized below. I knew that a member of the stake presidency and a high councilor were sitting on the stand. But I didn’t know that Michael Otterson, managing director for church public affairs, and Senator Mike Crapo were in the congregation. Oops!

********

Good morning, sisters and brothers! (Response: “Good morning!”) Kerry asked me last Sunday to speak about how the gospel has changed my life. I was quite excited and thought about it all week, and I put together a talk in my mind. But as I was going over it last night at 10 PM, I realized it was a bunch of malarkey—to quote Joe Biden—so I tossed it and jotted down a few notes. So this could be a wild ride for all of us!

I grew up in a strong Mormon family and served a mission, but I left the church 12 years ago because I’m gay and I didn’t feel like there was a place for me at church. When that happened, all of the spiritual scaffolding Mormonism erected for me growing up was suddenly removed, which presented both challenges and opportunities. I became an atheist for awhile, something that can be very freeing.
At a certain point I started using drugs and realized I couldn’t stop. I joined a 12-step group and they told me the only way they knew to stop using drugs was to turn my life over to a power that was greater than myself. They said I had complete freedom to choose whatever Higher Power I wanted, but that freedom was balanced the responsibility to look inside myself and be completely honest about the Higher Power that would work for me.
 
So I did look inside myself and I found that what worked for me was something I had learned in church, about a Heavenly Mother. I have to say I’m a little uncomfortable talking about Heavenly Mother here because Mormons don’t tend to talk about Her, for reasons I don’t understand. But if I’m going to be honest in telling you my story, I need to talk about Her.

So I talked to Heavenly Mother and I said: I’ve really messed up my life. I’m lost, I’m addicted to drugs, I have done terrible things to people, I have become a kind of person I don’t like. I have sold my birthright for a mess of pottage. I don’t deserve Your help. And She said … I don’t care about any of that! There is nothing you could do that would make Me stop loving you. And so … She saved me, brothers and sisters! … She saved me from myself. She did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. She saved me, then She brought me to therapists who helped me reconnect with my spirituality and deal with my anger toward the church. Then, last summer, She called me to return to church, and now I’m here.

Accepting Heavenly Father is common, Finding Heavenly Mother is less common, but truly worth the search!

My theology is based on my experience: Our Heavenly Parents love us and ask us to love Them and to love each other. God accepts me the way I am, with all of my virtues and imperfections. I believe the scriptures when they say that salvation is free, that we are saved by grace. When people say we’re saved by grace “after all that we can do” I don’t know what that means. One of the most wonderful Mormon doctrines—I don’t know why we don’t talk about it more—is that virtually all human beings will be saved in one of the three degrees of glory. They are all degrees of glory!

Sisters and brothers, I am already saved, just as I am. I could sit home on my couch watching TV for the rest of my life and I would be saved in a degree of glory. So why, you might ask, would I come to church? I am not here to earn my salvation. Jesus has already given me that. I am here because … … I was lost and God saved me. … God loved me just as I am and I have to share that love with other people. That love impels me to do things I would never do otherwise—wake up early to come to church; I’m going to start today as Primary chorister and I am terrified out of my mind.

But God’s love—not only can I not earn God’s love, I can’t get rid of it! It’s like that episode of I Love Lucy with the conveyor belt, or like tribbles in Star Trek. Or, where I come from in central Utah, during zucchini season if you leave your car doors unlocked, you’ll come out of the Safeway and your car will be filled with zucchini. God’s love is like zucchini! …

Coming back to church, there are a few things I have learned for myself. I have prayed and I know that my sexuality as a gay man is just as much a gift from God as anyone else’s sexuality, with the same responsibility to use it in a loving way.

As I return to the church, I see it with new eyes. I am not comfortable with the gender inequality I see in the church. I look forward to the day when our sisters will hold the priesthood and fill any leadership position that brothers can do now.

Thank you for listening to my story. I’m going to step down now before lightning strikes me. I say these things in Jesus’ name, amen.

********

At the end of the meeting, the bishop went to the podium and said he appreciated hearing my story but there were some corrections he needed that make, that I probably suspected he would make. He said we do believe in a Heavenly Mother but we don’t advocate praying to Her; we believe in salvation through works and grace, rather than grace alone; and that the position of the church is that there is no gender inequality—women have different responsibilities than men but they are equal. [I found it interesting that he did not mention anything about homosexuality.] He affirmed that I was indeed called the week before to be a Primary chorister and he had great confidence in my ability to inspire the children musically—a Mr. Holland’s opus situation. A few hours later, the bishop told me several people had asked him if it was appropriate for me as a gay man to work in the Primary. He responded that he was very confident I’m the right person for that calling.

The response from ward members was overwhelming in the positive. One sister told me she also prays to Heavenly Mother. Another sister related that she is in recovery for alcohol. Several younger couples in the ward gave me thumbs up and told me they agreed with what I had said. (One of the couples had even been inactive for two years previously because of the church’s treatment of gay people.) A brother told me my talk inspired him to mention Eliza R. Snow and the doctrine of Heavenly Mother in his priesthood lesson on Lorenzo Snow.