Sunday, March 31, 2013
My Transsexual Mormon Experience: Easter Week - Part 1 of 4
The Spiritual Holy Week of a Transsexual Mormon Woman: Closer To Thee, Closer to Me
Part 1 of 4
Leah also blog at Go-At-Throttle-Up-With-Leah-Laurelei
I have had a most remarkable week in my near 50 year life. Today is Easter, the holiest day of my faith. I am in the middle of a dedicated Fast for my dear, dear friend, Julia. I have arranged for there always to be someone, somewhere in the world Fasting for Julia, and sometimes there are more than one, for a continuous 24 hour cycle. Today is the 23rd consecutive day of the fast (over 550 hours and counting) and it will continue until Julia gets her surgery and is back home recovering. This is my 4th official day, and 7th overall. I believe this period of Fasting has brought me closer to Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ than I have ever been. My emotions and my heart have never been so raw, so true, and so tender.
As a Latter Day Saint, I would think this would be old hat, but it is not. Oh sure, I fasted every Fast Sunday, but the prayers I prayed were not dedicated and as focused as they are now. It is so much clearer than any time in the past. It is like night and day....I finally realize what Fasting is for, and I have a new found Testimony of the Power of the Fast.
My realization of this was when I was fasting my initial time in this dedication, which was day 2, March 10, 2013. I felt a powerful spirituality all day, and an extraordinary vigor. (Not the usual things on a Fast Sunday fast when we forgo 2 meals, and come home from Church and expect to break the fast in a few hours, and speaking honestly, almost break it almost immediately.) This has been a weakness in my life, and I recognize the lost blessings because of it.
I want to dwell more on the Heavenly Feelings of utter closeness in communion with my Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ. I speak of both my Heavenly Parents, because I honestly can not mention one without the other after my recent experiences. They are inseparable before my eyes, because I have established, via personal revelation, a visual of the two of Them, and a soulful communion that transcends any connection I have ever had with anything or anyone. My Heavenly Parents have become as real to me as my own parents were, when they were still living.
Both of my parents and one of my sisters are gone from this earth, having died at 52 and 63, my Mom (19 yrs ago) and my Dad (11 yrs ago), as well as my sister who died at 14, taking her own life, (by bullicide) 21 yrs ago. This was all going down while I was in the middle of severe dysphoria over my gender identity. I was a woman, I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I knew that God knew I knew it, and that I knew he knew it. I was broken, and easily crushed and diminished at every little thing. I was not succeeding capitalistically, and found the competition for mammon acquisition antithetical to everything Godly. How could I compete as a fake human being? I was pretending to be someone and something that I knew was a complete and utter lie. But I was newly married, I had a wife I love, and 3 of the most beautiful little daughters imaginable. I reminded myself that I had made covenants and I did not think I could do anything to change my circumstances. I thought I could pull off a beautiful lie.
In the end, it just wasn't possible to pull off that lie, for reasons I won’t go into here, because in the end they are not important to understanding. Just as my lifetime of fasting has been broken, and not been everything a Fast should be, so went my life for many years. I have learned this more deeply, as the last three weeks of Fasting have been extremely humbling, and eye opening. I am feeling things I have never felt before. I feel my two Heavenly Parents reaching out to me, Their arms are holding me, and telling me things are going to be alright. I feel Their touch, Their warm hearts and smiles for me, Their Love, Empathy, and Compassion for me....which is all unconditional....and is all for the person I am, the Woman that I am.
They love me as a woman, and They are affirming to me that I am a valid and true human being who was actually as I am created to be. This confirmation was affirmed to me in direct personal revelation, in the very middle of breaking my first day of fasting, on my phone call with Julia, in my prayer. I broke down sobbing because of the divine truth and vision that was being given me at that very moment! Praying with Julia, after she had prayed for me, we both felt the affirming peace and love of our Heavenly Parents, and can testify of the unity of Their love.
In the spirit of this Easter Day, and the celebration of our Redeemer and Savior being Risen, and as a Renewal, I want to share my spirit of Renewal, and the unfolding of my best true self. I want to leave behind the guile and fake human being I have tried to be because I thought it was expected of me. I can feel the shackles of those expectations freeing me, and this last week has been one of momentous steps. I will share those, in posts over the next few days, as I try to share the joy I have found, in following the call of my Heavenly Parents, to become my best me!
I am not saying I'm now perfect. Far from it. What I am saying is that, because of my desire to be free of the sinful guileful path I have been on most of my life, I have found the courage within myself, to stand up for my true identity. I now know that I must dig up my hidden, and long buried Talents, and let them shine forth before the world. I have made so many remarkable and close friends and dear sisters online, and because of them I have been Fasting, Praying, studying scriptures, with a renewed sense of purpose. I have been blessed that as I have continued to attend church meetings, that are sometimes painful, I have been given the gift of an accepting and understanding Bishop who loves me, and desires for me to be my best true self!
.....and yes, because I have been Fasting for Julia, I have been brought to a most amazing and awesome point in my life, when things are becoming crystal clear, where once they were foggy. Things are becoming fun, happy and cheerful in my life, where for the longest time, they have been dim, drudgery, disappointing, and depressing.
I am regaining the thing my wife lamented some 16-17 years ago....”You used to have Happy Feet....you used to be fun-loving, and happy-go-lucky”.... yes....we used to be friends, a long time ago, and that was when she called me “Turkey Face”, because of my love of Turkey and my happy Pollyannishness of optimism and positivity.
I not only feel all these old things coming back, but they are in a form far stronger than I have ever known. I am free to be me. I am a free spirit, and I am happy. Life is good, and things are getting better every day. I am being reborn in this Easter Season!